Got to go
by MonaDelMar
Summary: I promised myself I was not writing any more ER fan fictions but then the muses attacked. Enjoy. I hope it will be short but only time will tell.
1. The bombshell

She was exhausted. Who said attending surgeons worked shorter hours?

It had been 24 hours since she had been home and she had only grabbed 4 catnaps during that time. They had been a surgeon down for the past week and everybody was having to do their bit. She had just done a double shift, a night shift and a day shift back to back. Thankfully, the night shift had been quiet enough but the afternoon had been hectic. All she wanted now was a neck massage, a warm bath, some decent food and a good night's sleep.

The only one of those that might prove difficult was the neck massage. She had bumped into Ray once today and he had been in foul humor. She hated his moods. They were something new. Well, she had only become aware of them since his accident, since she moved to Baton Rouge. Whatever triggered them, she knew to leave him alone until he had worked his way through them. He usually talked to her after and explained in detail what had triggered his funk. She knew it was a sense of failure or inadequacy, some new patient who was not responding or someone who's circumstances reminded him of his own. Thankfully, he had the strength to work his way through and snap out of it. She really hoped he had snapped out of this particular funk by the time she got home. If not it would be a take-out night. She sighed. What the heck, she'd have a bath while she was waiting for the food to arrive and give him his space.

* * *

The apartment was in darkness when she opened the door and her heart sank. She was too tired to navigate muddy waters this evening. Should she go look for him or not? She called out to announce she was home. He responded.

"I'm out here."

She felt the relief flow over her.

He was on the balcony lying on one of the loungers nursing a long-neck.

"I'm exhausted, I'll call for take-out." she said as she looked through the door.

"Yeah. Sorry. It's been one of those days."

She smiled sympathetically and nodded her head. Nonetheless, she could not help but feel a little indignant after all she had just worked a double shift. He had only done his usual 8 to 4.30pm. But she knew that was being petty so she simply said,

"We'll talk later, I'm just going for a soak. Chinese ok?"

"Yeah," he replied despondently.

It had turned chilly now that the sun had gone down but he seemed oblivious.

"I'll order the usual."

He simply nodded.

She grabbed a blanket from the bedroom and brought it to him.

"Here, you'll freeze."

He nodded again but said nothing.

Wow, he really was morose tonight. What was up?

* * *

She shrugged and went to run her bath. Then she called in the take-out order. They told her it would probably be an hour. Not to worry, that meant she could have an extra-long soak.

* * *

When she emerged from the bathroom, all the knots had been worked out. She would sleep well tonight. Right now, however, she was starving. She padded across the living room in her bare feet. She shivered as she walked onto the balcony and wrapped her bathrobe tightly round her.

"God Ray, its freezing out here, come inside. The food will be here shortly. I'm just going to put some clothes on."

With that he looked up at her. His eyes were two black pools of pain.

"Neela, I've got to go, I can't stay here any longer."

It was as if he had just kicked her in the stomach. What was he saying? She could feel the ground opening up before her. He was leaving her. He couldn't stay here any longer. "Wh…?" But this was his apartment.

This was his world. She would have to leave.

How could he do this to her after she had moved to be with him?

And why now, after all this time?

Had she done something wrong?

She thought things had been going well. She had not seen this coming.

No, no, she shook her head and the tears started to flow. She felt her knees buckle, she was going to be sick. She put her hand to her mouth and fled to the bathroom.


	2. Fallout

You watch her crumble before you. But, you are so spaced, it does not quite register. You have been in such weird form all day long, ever since you saw that TV report.

Gradually her reaction registers with you and shocks you out of your funk. What in heaven's name was up with her? You had simply said you needed … Wait! What had you said?

Shit, Barnett, you moron, what had you said to her exactly? 'I've got to go, I can't stay here any longer.'

Your confused brain starts to analyze the situation. You get up and made your way as quickly as you can to the bathroom.

"Neela," you call as you open the door.

She does not answer. Kneeling on the floor beside the toilet bowl, there are tears streaming down your face.

"Neela honey, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean that. Of course I want to stay with you… Jesus… Neela… I'm sorry…" you say as you reach for her and pull her into a standing position. Then you hold her gently by the shoulders and say.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I do not want to leave you. I hope I never leave you."

The tears eventually subside. She hiccoughs and says…

"But you said…"

"I know what I said, I was just thinking out loud."

"But then you do want to leave?"

"That's not what I meant… its just…" You run your hands through your short cropped hair as you try to find the right words.

Now you see the anger flash in her almost black eyes. They only turn black when she's really angry.

"What did you mean then?" she spits.

You chew on your bottom lip and look deeply into those angry pools of black.

"Neela," you say earnestly, "I want to go to Haiti. I can't stand watching what's going on over there, any more. I…I want to help."

"Oh!" is her only response.

"They're saying Haiti is going to be a nation of amputees. The people there as so much worse off than I ever was. I just can't stand by and do nothing. Please Neela, don't be angry. I simply want to help."

You feel her relax. Then she puts her two beautiful hands up to her face and starts to cry again.

"God Ray, I was so worried about you today. I hate when you get into those moods."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I never know how to react, what to say."

"I'm so sorry. It's just…"

"I know. I don't fully understand, but I know why you get like that."

"Its just certain things bring it all back. Right now, I just feel lucky, lucky to be as well and as strong as I am and lucky to have the support that I have. Most importantly of all, I fell blessed that I have you. And these people… I want to help… I… I… "

Your voice cracks and you feel the warm tears coursing down your face reflecting the tears streaming down her face.

"Jesus Neela, some of them have lost everything and everybody, and they're facing a lifetime as an amputee. Christ, how are they going to do it? I had the best of everything and I just about made it."

You turn and look at her.

"Do you know what I feel most of all?"

She shakes her head.

"I feel guilty."

"I understand…"

"You do?"

Just then the doorbell goes. The take-out has finally arrived.

"I…I'll go," she volunteers as she wipes away the tears. She goes to the sink and splashes her face then looks up at you beseechingly.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful," you say with a lopsided grin as you bend to kiss her lightly on the forehead.

"Liar," she says shakily as she turns to leave the bathroom.

You turn to look at yourself in the mirror and realise that you look considerably worse than she did. You turn on the cold tap and wash your face vigorously. Your eyes burn.

Poor Neela, you really had not considered her at all. You had forgotten there were two of you now. Before you did anything both of you needed to talk. You had gotten so wrapped up in what was going on in Haiti and what you needed to do to feel better that you forgot about her completely. Forget feeling guilty about strangers. What about your fiancée? The fiancée, who had just come off a double shift because her colleague was in Haiti and she had to cover his shift.

You lean your burning forehead against the cool mirror. You asshole Barnett, Neela was doing her bit and what were you doing to support her, getting drunk and feeling sorry for yourself just because you feel guilty.

You look at yourself and say quite loudly, "You selfish bastard."

She puts her arms round your waist from behind and says, "I wouldn't go quite that far."

You had not heard her come back in.

"Yes, but I was being a tad inconsiderate." Turning, you pull her into a hug.

"Maybe just a tad," she says showing the measure between her index finger and thumb.

"I asked for that."

"All I can add is, thank God, the funk is over and I've got you back again."

"Please forgive me Neela, I'm sorry for getting so wrapped up in me."

She laughs and says.

"Actually, it's quite a relief to realize that I'm no longer the most self-absorbed person in the relationship."

You groan. There really is no response to that.

"Hey," she says, "lets eat before our food gets cold. I'm ravenous. We can talk better on a full stomach."

"Yeah, lets do that… … …

By the way…"

"Yeah?"

You look at her earnestly, "I really am sorry about earlier."

"Hey, there'll be days like this. C'mon" she says,

"Yeah. There'll be days like this," you sincerely hope, many more.

* * *

Many thanks for the enthusiastic reviews.

As you see this little tale has been inspired by recent global events. I think it's in keeping with ER canon. I'm undecided whether to end here or keep going. I will let the muses decide.


End file.
